Tragicomical

Lawrence Taylor is seriously taking the “I only whacked it” defense in his case that he raped a 16-year-old prostitute.

One snitch claimed that he engaged in a “masturbatory act” and left it at that. It was said that he engaged in “sex acts”, but there was no mention of sexual intercourse.

A condom was also found in the hotel room, which leaves us super-suspicious. She’s underage, so there’s no way for him to buy himself out of trouble.

Lady Gaga was spotted out and about in Germany yesterday, only wearing black chain-linked panties and a matching bra. She had a coat on, too, because a lady has to keep some things private.

The only thing that she could do next that would remotely be shocking, is to walk out naked.

We’ve got our grubby little hands on a photo of Riley and the newborn vampires from Eclipse emerging from the water.

Are you excited for the release of the third movie already??

Beyonce was sunning herself on the beach in Hawaii with her husband, Jay-Z, when she suddenly suffered a wardrobe malfunction.

You’re welcome, pervs.

According to sources, former UFC fighter Tito Ortiz has been arrested after police were called to the home he shares with his ex-porn star girlfriend, Jenna Jameson.

TMZ reports:

We’re told when cops arrived to the home in Huntington Beach, CA — Jenna Jameson had “visible injuries.”

We’re told someone called 911 today at 9:53 AM and reported a “disturbance.”

Tito is currently in custody and is being transported to a Huntington Beach jail in Orange County, CA.

Tito and Jenna are not married — but they have two children together.

Hope she throws the book at him!

Update: She’s pressing charges! Good for her.

Update: Even though she has procured a restraining order against the UFC fighter, she has said that she wants to work things out for the sake of the couple’s children. Ugh.

For once, Lindsay Lohan decided to stay in on a Saturday night (alert the media!!!) and instead of drinking drugging “hanging out”, unemployed actress Lindsay Lohan and Perez Hilton had themselves a bit of a Twitter war.

Let me give you the tl;dr version of events. She called him fat, lazy, unoriginal and said that he looks like an oompa loompa. He said she predicted her own future by being out of work and called her out for being a drug addled mess.

The crazy thing is that they’re both right. He’s a fat, lazy untalented jerkoff who just wants hits for his website. She’s an unemployed attention seeker who has a serious problem and needs help.

Craziness.

Dina Lohan must be out of her ever lovin’ mind. Since her ex-husband Michael barged into Lindsay’s apartment with the cops, Dina has kept mum. She said that she was advised by her attorneys to keep her trap shut.

Since the reasoning behind Michael’s bust-in was to check on his daughter Ali’s welfare, Dina has come to bat for her eldest daughter.

In response to all of the hoopla, Dina said, “Lindsay is absolutely, 100 percent, not (a bad influence). Ali is amazing. She loves her sister. Would I let my daughter go anywhere that’s dangerous? I mean, come on, Ali and Lindsay need to be protected from their ex-father. That’s the dangerous situation… He’s creating a worse situation for everyone.”

I don’t think Lindsay would be a good enough guardian for herself. Sheesh, just look at how many times she’s fallen out of bars already this year.

David Hasselhoff’s ex-wife, Pamela Bach, was tossed into jail, after being sentenced to 90 days in the clink for drunk driving.

An L.A. judge gave her 30 days, but extended it to 90 after finding that her November arrest, which was constitued as a violation of her parole.

She’s set to enter jail on May 3rd.

Despite sources telling TMZ that Bret Michaels’ condition has stabilized, someone in his camp has updated his Facebook page with the following message:

There are several incorrect reports on Bret’s condition. Bret remains in critical condition at an undisclosed location. Further tests are being ran and information will be updated in the coming days.

Thank you for your support, thoughts & concern.

Hope he gets well soon. This is just too scary!

Lindsay and Ali Lohan were mugging it up in these personal photos from the Coachella Music Festival. Katy Perry was also there, sans fiance. (continue reading…)

Now that she’s pushed Jamie Kennedy away with haunts of marriage, Jennifer Love Hewitt wants to sink her claws into Twilight vampire Robert Pattinson.

She said, “His features are so striking. I love that he has such a soft voice.”

Keep dreaming, he’s with Kristen Stewart and won’t be free until at least Breaking Dawn comes and goes.

Lindsay Lohan is the epitome of what this site is all about. She gets tore up, hijacks an SUV, holds a few people hostage and when they want to depose her, she screws off.

It’s only been a week since she’s ditched the first deposition date for a shopping spree. According to TMZ, her victims are set to go to a judge and request the court to force Lindsay to sit for her deposition in the case. They’re also seeking to get a default judgment against her for failure to appear.

Stay tuned, this might just get interesting.

Kim Kardashian posed with her hideous X-Box, prompting nerds all over the galaxy to wonder if this bimbus even knows how to play one of these.

This broad would probably pimp out her own mother if she thought she could make a few thousand from it.

Just now, reality television personality Snooki posted this photo of herself, along with a bunch of cops from Virginia.

Yes, these are your tax dollars at work. I wonder if she got pulled over and made a deal to pose with them to let her loose. They got snooked, alright. That could have been $163.00 that would have been put to good use.

Kesha is not the sharpest tool in the shed, obviously. The “Tik Tok” singer appeared on Britney Spears‘ “Lace & Leather” song off of Circus, but now she’s bashing Brit Brit. Doesn’t sound too swift to me.

So not only does this trainwreck waiting to happen look like she’s in desperate need of a brush, but she’s also picking on the pop princess. That didn’t take long.

She said:

“I think that’s bullshit. I don’t think that’s fair at all for people who are going to see the show. I think if you are going to be a singer, you should sing. If you are going to be a dancer, you should dance. If you are going to do a combination of the two, you should make it very clear when you are singing and very clear when you are dancing. I would never do that to my fans. No offense to her specifically but people have asked me before to mime. I have been up at three in the morning for a television show with jet lag but I refuse to mime. It’s treating people as if they are too stupid to realize you are not actually singing. Sometimes it is hard to sing and dance at the same time but I would rather be off and be real and genuine about it to my fans. I don’t want to treat my fans like they are stupid. That is my take on my fans and life in general. My whole record is super-honest. I am really honest. When I am singing I may sound shit sometimes but at least you’ll know I’m singing.”

Suck it Kesha. You’re an idiot.

Not to be funny or anything, but I couldn’t help myself with the title. Sometimes they just write themselves. Rapper J-Kwon is actually missing.

His record label is worried and has launched a search for him. He has not been seen by his friends or family in St. Louis, Missouri since the beginning of February.

His record label’s president, Tony Bucher, said, “J-Kwon is a big part of the Gracie family, and we are obviously increasingly worried and want to make sure he is okay. We’ve already received thousands of emails from fans and supporters who are worried about J-Kwon, and we want everyone to know how much we appreciate the love and support. If anyone has seen J-Kwon or has access to him, please let him know we are worried about him, and to please let us know everything is okay.”

So if you’ve seen this guy, please let everyone know he’s okay.