The goodies are after the jump, yokels. Don’t wanna get you fired or anything. (continue reading…)

Lindsay Lohan really wanted to start the new year off on the right foot and we can’t think of any other way than releasing a sex tape.

She’s already made a four-day trip to India to talk about child trafficking, so there’s her humanitarian work for the decade. Now let’s talk the boobs.

A source said, “The video film is dynamite. It is pretty seedy and shows Lindsay engaged in a particular sex act which, obviously should remain behind closed doors. Lindsay was desperate to start 2010 off on a good footing and this is the very last thing she needs. If and when it is released on the internet, via a spurious, unofficial website, there is absolutely nothing she or her lawyers can do about it.”

I bet her dad is chomping at the bit to see this. Hold your horses, Mike.

Katy Perry posted this on her Twitter page just a bit ago. I guess it’s symbolism for her not being knocked up?

There goes all of those potential Rusty Rockets babies. Gross. Why would she post that?]

And who is she going to offend this time?

Heidi Montag is morphing before our very eyes. She graces the cover of “People” magazine to show off her less horsey-looking chin, her ginormous boobs, and whatever else she’s had done.

She released her crap debut album yesterday, “Superficial” and now she’s showing us just how superficial she really is.

And you know what? She’s not even done yet.

“For the past three years, I’ve thought about what to have done,” the reality star tells PEOPLE. “I’m beyond obsessed.”

And so, on Nov. 20, Montag’s total transformation began. Keeping even her family in the dark, the starlet chronicled every painful moment of recovery and her journey to become “the best me.”

How many times has Joan Rivers said that she wasn’t done?

Jennifer Love Hewitt talked about sparkling up her snatch on “Lopez Tonight” last night.

She put crystals on her girl parts when she was trying to get over a breakup:

She’s bringing disco back, bitches.

OK! Magazine wrote a piece titled, “Snooki’s Appearance Price Rises with Each Punch”, so it only means that for her benefit, people should continue punching her in her piehole?

Snooki was reportedly charging an appearance fee of $2,000, but after she got hit in the face by the school teacher dude, it skryocketed to $10,000. So one can only assume that Snooki should get assaulted more so that she can charge Paris Hilton rates, right?

Note: Tragicomical.com does not condone violence. PSA: Please don’t punch Snooki.

Just yesterday, Hugh Hefner announced that the Shannon Twins would be vacating the Playboy mansion to do work as Playmates.

But sources inside the mansion say that the two weren’t sexing up Hef and that they were just sleeping around. Ooh, shocker!

The snitch said, “It was not a secret the twins were sleeping around” while living under Hef’s roof. From what I heard, the twins were not sleeping with Hef. And Hef didn’t really seem to care. He would let them get away with murder. They did whatever they wanted.”

Who’d want to bang an 83-year-old dude anyways? The snitch answers with, “You have to consider that these girls are only 20 years old. The twins were there for the ride. They just care about themselves.”

Oh yeah, that’s right. They’re selfish. Who’d have thunk it?

Katy Perry thinks of the funniest stuff to tweet about. Just today, she tweeted a photo with this caption, “Oh no my poor pussy, what have I done?”

Lordy lordy. Some people just crave the attention, don’t they?

Samantha Ronson must have gotten really tired of hearing all of the hoopla surrounding Tila Tequila and her “loss”. As we reported, Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson passed away on January 5th.

Since, Tila, her proclaimed fiancee, has been tweeting non-stop asking for privacy and even posing for the paparazzi in some smiling photos outside of her home.

Samantha has had enough! Today, she tweeted, “tila tequila keeps saying she hasn’t slept in days. she should explain this tweet “I saw her in my dream again twice.” #presswhorefactcheck”.

Ha! Get ‘em girl! All of this and it hasn’t even been a week. What does next week hold for us???

Now this is comical. Paris Hilton tweeted this little nugget earlier today, showing her raking some leaves in what appears to be very expensive clothes.

Or is this another one of those dumb quips for that new craptastic show she’s in, “I Get That A Lot”?

Paris….working?? I bet she doesn’t “get that” at all! Too funny, P, thanks for the giggle.

Celebrity DJ Samantha Ronson tweeted the above photo along with this note, “I can only hope my dogwalker was referencing my dog”, about an hour ago.

Too funny. I hope the dog walker wasn’t referring to herself, either. In that case, gross.

Here’s a photo of the newest victim in Jon Gosselin’s life, a 25-year-old chick named Morgan. She’s the one he met skiing while in Utah.

What I want to know is how he keeps on getting chicks. He’s not cute, has no paying job, owes a ton of money and has eight kids. Where’s the draw?

Try not to look at Megan Fox as more than a pretty face, because she can spew some awfully dumb crap. In the past, she’s said that she’s manic depressive, has multiple personalities and she’s bisexual, all in the name of promotion for her latest movie. Just recently, she touted the effects of vinegar on her own weight loss.

She gave us this little nugget:

“It just cleanses out your system entirely. It will get rid of … for women who retain water weight from your menstrual cycle and all that … it gets rid of it really fast. I’m not one for dieting or exercising, because I’m lazy and I have a really big sweet tooth, so I have to do cleanses every once in a while ’cause of the amount of sugar I take in.”

Now, dieticians have called her out on her stupidity, saying that vinegar will not help you lose weight and that there’s no magic pill that will do that for you.

Are you listening Kim Kardashian?

Ashley Greene posed in a painted on skinsuit for SoBe’s new zero calorie Dragonfruit flavored water.

She had the scales painted on, along with the SoBe trademarked Lizard. Ashley said, “Being a part of the SoBe skinsuit shoot in the Turks and Caicos was amazing. It took the artist 12 hours to paint the SoBe scales on each skinsuit, but it was totally worth it. It’s an experience I’ll never forget.”

Perez Hilton has just posted his new animated series, “Assisted Living” and it was very hard to watch. He labels it “absurdly funny and smart”, but he could’ve just stopped with absurd.

Check it out if you have three minutes that you’ll want back:

Much like his New Year’s Eve outfit, I hope he kept the receipt. 2010 is not looking good for one blogger!

Patrick Paufdenkamp and Lindsay Lohan had been friends since she was 16. But while she was on vacation with her sister in St. Barths, the nefarious thug made off with her crap work.

She announced to the world that she was going forward with her 6126 clothing line, but after all of her *ahem* hard work, he took off with her sketches.

He’s said to be going to New York City for Fashion Week to debut his own line of clothing.

Lindsay said, “I should’ve known better. But new year for me and a new beginning! Health, happiness, success and love!”